So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
