nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just cropdusted the office
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
