last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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