Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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