im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
