Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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