When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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