dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's rum buckets o'clock
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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