There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
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Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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