Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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