she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
