wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
