We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
