Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
