I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
someone owes me an orgasm
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
