I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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