Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
