rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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