I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
