Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
