I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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