He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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