I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
