Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
