you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
