Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
