YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
