please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
