My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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