im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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