I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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