moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
