Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
