She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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