Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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