There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
