I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My vagina just recognized that song.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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