I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
