I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
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I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We smell like vodka and hangover
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