I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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