dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
