see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
