Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
