I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
