Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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