my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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