Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
