He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
