she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
