I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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