So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
