And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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