I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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